"Always looking ahead and not enjoying the journey enough, that started to get in my way."
Rogier Toetenel is 32 and lives with his three children and girlfriend in Voorburg. After a long career at Accenture, he started working at PostNL in 2020 in the commercial strategy department. Since March 2022, he has been the manager of that team. In October 2021, he began the Rebel Leadership program.
During the program, we did a visualization about a situation in which I felt most like myself. I have a passion for sailing, and I pictured a sailboat on the open sea. I enjoy sailing the most when I am surrounded only by the sea, and the urge to sail somewhere fades away. That is when I feel most like myself.
A contrast to how I feel in my life. I have an immense ambition; both privately and at work, I am always focused on the next step, wanting bigger and better. And that ambition brings me a lot: at 32, I have a good job, a beautiful house, a wonderful girlfriend, and children, and I can enjoy great vacations. Yet, I regularly look at challenging job listings and think about how it would feel if I ever took on such a role. And when I walk through the neighborhood, I think: that house would be perfect for me. This means that I am always focused on the next destination and don’t enjoy the journey itself. That caused restlessness and started to get in my way.
That constant desire to look ahead is within me, which is why the focus on both the personal and business aspects of the Rebel program appealed to me. I also find it difficult at times to see things in any other way than my own, but I became increasingly aware of how I come across to others in those moments. Especially when a lot of pressure is on a project, I can be quite directive and want things to be done my way. To some extent, that’s effective, but I often keep things too much to myself. That’s not sustainable in the long run, and moreover, I don’t always find directive behavior pleasant. I forget who I’m undertaking the journey with. After Rebel, I realize better that I am not just a goal-oriented leader, but also a vulnerable, approachable one.
Making explicit what we stand for, our core values, helped me with that. For me, trust and appreciation are very important, things that work both ways. The conversations about that were sometimes confrontational, but Lian Ka and Arnout were clear and helpful. It taught me that even though I have a clear sense of what I want, I can’t always act on it exactly. There are many roads leading to Rome, not just mine. That’s why I try to make my team more part of the bigger picture, to involve them in my planning and approach, so I can share responsibilities. And then trust that it will work. This is still a challenge, but letting go of the directive behavior is starting to feel more natural.
The realization that sometimes you need to look beyond yourself, I wouldn’t have gotten on my own. Even during the first two days of the program, something shifted. The place where we stayed was very quiet, really back to basics, and I was much more present in the moment there. How important is that beautiful house really, I quickly thought. But I especially began to see things in perspective thanks to the group, from whom I heard different stories and gained more diverse backgrounds than I’m used to from my own bubble. In a later session, I received post-it after post-it with ‘Enjoy what you have’ and ‘Be proud of what you’ve achieved’. I also got this feedback from colleagues. It was precisely through the perspective of others that I saw how much I need that validation. Rationally, I know that what I have is fantastic, but through the eyes of others, I can better experience it. Now that I know I seek that validation, I see how important it is to also derive appreciation from within myself. Otherwise, I’ll remain dependent on others and the restlessness will return. So I try to pause more often and reflect on what has gone well – both professionally and personally. Instead of immediately looking ahead, I now enjoy where the journey has brought me so far, and with whom.
I believe that a successful leader is carried by their people, and vice versa. For that mutual trust, a deep, genuine bond is needed, one that is not only focused on results but also on growth. To achieve that, I really need to listen, ask deeper questions, and put myself aside for a moment. A very important insight in this was that my path and what I expect from myself, doesn't always apply to others. Everyone has their own way, and by making connections, I learn those ways and can be more flexible in my approach. This way, I learn what moves my team and can give them the appreciation and trust that I find so important.