Jelske Hondema (34) lives in Utrecht with her husband. She has been working at Deloitte for a year and a half as a senior manager, implementing sustainability regulations for financial institutions. In June 2024, she participated in Rebel Leadership.

Since Rebel, everything feels lighter. Over the past few years, I have been quite hard on myself and had somewhat lost myself—I felt insecure and responsible for everything. That insecurity and the drive to do things right haven’t disappeared, but they no longer feel all-defining. It doesn’t feel so heavy anymore.

That heaviness began after my transition from ABN AMRO Bank to Deloitte, which turned out to be more intense than I had expected. ABN felt like a warm bath, which was also the reason I left—there was no challenge left for me. At Deloitte, everything was new, my responsibilities were more complex, and over time, I started believing less and less that I could do it. As a result, I became very focused on performance. I needed to rediscover my strength in this more challenging environment, so I signed up for the open Rebel program. That turned out to be a great decision. It was intimate and diverse, and it felt very safe, while also being truly challenging. I also appreciated that Arnout had experience in consulting because that environment at Deloitte was entirely new to me.

I thought I had a lot of work to do, but I quickly realized that I was further along than I had assumed. That realization started during the lifeline exercise, where we shared our histories and stories as a group. When I received feedback on it, I realized that I had always carried a great strength within me, but I had lost sight of it along the way. That was a wake-up call. My husband was surprised and said he could have told me that too, but sometimes it takes new perspectives and a different environment to really see yourself clearly.

I entered the program thinking I just needed to ‘reconnect with myself,’ but it mainly taught me how to feel: I can do this. And that it’s okay to feel insecure sometimes—it doesn’t make me any less capable. I’m not perfect, but no one is. I am allowed to simply be myself. Because of that, I feel more confident and calmer, which gives me a greater sense of control. I believe that a key part of good leadership is setting a good example. For me, that doesn’t mean perfection, but rather showing that I’m human too.

My interactions with my project team have also changed—I no longer hover over everything. I share more, and they share more with me. And what I felt turned out not to be so unique! Everyone struggles with insecurity and a sense of responsibility. It’s a shared burden. Deloitte is full of people who want to do exceptionally well, and by sharing how I now handle that, I hope I can ease that burden for them—or at least plant a seed.

A very beautiful and unexpected part of Rebel was how deeply we went—so much so that I reconnected with the child in me. I entered with a professional question and left with a renewed attention to that little girl inside me. The fact that my pregnancy overlapped with the program in part gave this realization an extra boost. I am now more in touch with my whole self, and because of that, I see that some things—like my strong sense of responsibility—will always be part of my personality. And that there are also good sides to that.

To embrace this, it's important that I stay close to myself. And that’s exactly what I had lost. At our company, many people are highly intelligent and very rational, and I am wired a bit differently. When I started at Deloitte, I worked hard to adapt to that. It made me insecure because that’s not who I am—I’m more emotional and creative. I’m learning more and more that this difference also adds value. By giving myself and the child in me more space, I experience more joy and can contribute in a more meaningful way. I am more playful and take things less seriously. That doesn’t mean I find my work less important or don’t feel responsible—I actually use that sense of responsibility. And it works. I bring people along with me, I have more energy, and I’m much more creative. That’s when I hit my flow and dare to trust my intuition. And that makes my work truly enjoyable.

Still, I have to stay mindful, and I haven’t yet found everyday tools to help me keep things from feeling too heavy. For example, I haven’t found the patience for meditation yet. But I do recognize the feeling of stress earlier, especially when I feel good and there are few distractions. However, when stress is present, I notice it’s harder to stay close to my intuition—I fall back into old patterns and lean into rationality. The difference now is that I’m okay with that. I’m more in touch with myself, which helps me let go more easily. Before, I would walk around with a knot in my stomach, thinking over and over: I should have done better. Now, I think, That could have gone better, talk about it briefly at home, and then move on.

The fact that being more myself is truly seen and valued helps me solidify this change and use it naturally. I now dare to stand up for myself with conviction—to say that I am smart and pragmatic, and that there is a lot of creativity in that. Instead of repeating what others tell me, I can now say this from my own belief.

I stand taller, I am more present. I feel like I am allowed to take up more space. The insecurity that led me to the Rebel program has been replaced by confidence. By pride, even.

“I feel like I am allowed to take up more space. My insecurity has made way for pride.”

“Change does not mean you have to get rid of the old.”